Monday, November 28, 2005

oh alright then,just one though!!!

so i went kareoke singing.not the cool japanese version,korean,poor mans version.it was fucking bizarre,was like bein in someone's sitting room,seeing as how we had our own room,with tv and bathroom!!it wasn't long before enough wine had been consumed to dearmour us of any tinge of modesty.of course i hung back for a while,letting the others bat out tinkly renditions of "im all shook up" and "can't buy me love".barf.course it didn't help that the words were scrolling across slower than the music.

before i knew it the politeness of "you go,no you!!i'm not really into it..." had passed,i snatched the mike and started belting out the jovi (that's jon bon to you).sure the crowds were goin ape shit.after that it was a bit of frankie,new york,new york.i know,i need to come out of my shell a bit.jesus i thought i was gonna pop a vessle.but i ask you,is there any point in making a tit of yourself for "i got you babe"???fuck no.

after a while the novelty wore off and we realised we were all shit,but i highly recommend it if you've never done it.one thing though...know your audience.it's one thing cursing your mates out of it during a plinky instrumental,quite another telling someone's granny/aunt to "wave yo muthafuckin' hands like you just don't carrrrrrrrrrre".hmm.

and so the question is,what's your gulity pleasure??i have to say you can't beat a bit of meatloaf,it's dramatic ,it's tacky and it's fucking value for money.those fuckers are never-ending.baby we can talk all night.........

Thursday, November 24, 2005

out! out! out i say you impudent whelp!!!

well it's about fucking time!!so i was reading the 'oul rag the other day when i saw that it finally happened,some one had the hairy balls to say what we were all thinking!!during a play in london some fucking twat's phone rang.i know.now,that's bad enough in the cinema but at the theatre,says you???fucking disgraceful.so anymore,obviously mortification all round...or so you'd think.a few minutes later it rang again.what a complete brain-dead plank.the actor on the stage,richard griffiths (i know,me neither),stopped the scene and told the culprit to leave!!!excellent.she shuffled out,the twat,amid tuts and filthies,and when she finally scuttled out the door the audience gave the actor a standing ovation!!what a show!!

but seriously,how thick can you be to let your phone ring,not once,but twice??the mind boggles.i'm the kind of person who is so terrified of that very situation that i check mine at least three times before the goddam show.and even then i can't really get in to it as i'm constantly shitting it in case it somehow malfunctions and rings anyway.i know.mental.

what's wrong with these people??how do they have friends?and why are they allowed to socialize???!!!fucking tools.that guy was clearly at the end of his tether,as anyone knows,a show is NEVER stopped for anything,i'd say he wanted to jump on her pea-sized head.what can we do to stop this carry-on?simple,search the fuckers before they go in,cinemas too.sure,they can't be trusted.or simply attach a booby-trap mechanism under the chair (you can get them in argos) and if someone's phone vibrates,never mind rings-zip! just like that,the chair is sucked down into the depths of the sewer (think phantom of the opera,but no menatl dude running around with his face half melted) never to be seen again,ha!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

six feet under

no one likes to think about death.which is why i thought "six feet under" was fucking great.it's crazy but we all have this completely unrealistic view of life,in that we mosey around completely unthinking of the fact that we could in fact pop our clogs at any second.any second!!!!!this used to make me really fucking neurotic,then i realised there isn't a single thing you can do.after that theres a release,you feel positive.by thinking about the possibility of death and the naturalness of it,i normalised it.it's all cyclic but we're trained not to think about that because we live in such a youth saturated culture which is ageist as fuck.thats why i loved six feet under,it was kinda fucked up,but it dealt with death.as well as that it had the most poignant goddam ending ever.

all good things come to an end.the show ended with claire driving to new york,and various other things had happened,the family were ravaged by nate's death.cue a gus van sant-type tune,and credits,or so i thought.but instead it flashed forward in the most evocative and moving way and showed each of the main characters dying and their funerals.i was blown away.i wasn't allowed to feel fluffy and happy,yes they were going to live their lives,but then they would die,some naturally some not so much.claire was the last one to go.she was so old,and on her wall on the photos she had taken of her family.it was so final.

i sat there after tears rolling down my face.i'm not an emotional sap,but the power of it hit me.everyone you love will die.you'll go on.as i said our culture doesnt deal well with death,and i do think its because we're disconnected in many ways.far from being depressed,i actually felt very....appreciative of life afterwards.think of the many useless shitty things you do and the petty shit you say to people.cut out the shit that doesnt matter,spend time with the people who do.

Monday, November 21, 2005

the day santa died.

we all remember the exact circumstances of finding out about santa.what a fucking shit day there you'll all agree.however,i was slightly older that the average kid,looking back.in fact its pretty fucking embarrassing.i think i was quite innocent,had a sister two years youger,so for convenience purposes we were lumped together for everything;including the unveiling of the big secret.it's not my folksies fault or anything,they probably thought i already knew,and was doing the normal "lets keep up the pretence for a few more years and milk the presents!!" thing.unforntunately that was not the case.
so we were in school,my teacher,evil cow,in fact we'll call her mrs.cow said open the books page whatever......so we did.now my first clue was in the title..."the boy who found out there was no santa".vomit.blood rushed to my ears,i went white,i felt fucking ill.everyone read away,oblivious to my horror.by the way,i was twelve!!!!!!!!!!!!!arrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhh.christ it all fell into place,and i'll never forget,it was literally like stepping out of a bubble,and everything's grey and cack,and feels...different.suddenly my mind was whirling and it was like my suppressed logical self flicked back on and was berating me "hee hee,we had a good laugh at you!!one man flying aoriund the world in one night???nipping down the chimney???leaving the price tags on??!!!!skipping the kids in africa???hohohohohoohohohohohoh".indeed.
needless to say i filled in sister on the mosey home.my poor mother had to face my angry and bitter tirade when i got in.i was screaming...is it true/is it true?? she looked so sad,and took a breath,dish cloth in hand,and said "he exists in spirit,if you believe".bollox.god bless her but i ripped her out of it.
nowadays parents are faced with the dilemma do they go along with the santa thing,or is it in fact morally wrong to knowingly decieve your kids and fill their heads with all kinds of shit.one analyst during the week said it was irresponsible to do so.well,what a bitter little prick.clearly he only ever got a sack of coal from the man himself!!!! fuck sake theres enough crap and hardship in this world and not enough magic,if you ask me.i always felt sorry for my mates who caught their half-witted drunk folks putting out the pressies,knobs.clearly my drunk parents were far more efficient.jesus,howd they do it???!!especially with my sly little stoaty-stoat sister sniffin around.god bless them.so,i'm slightly derranged obviously,but i swear if you've never felt the sheer excitement of christmas morning after santa's visit,you missed out.

you give me road rage baby.

what is it about driving that turns you into a person afflicted with tourettes??i've been driving for a couple of months and i fucking think it's great,i mean i've paid my bus dues big time and i'm loving zipping all over the place.now,i'm no prude by any stretch of the imagination,but the torrential curses that exit my gob behind the wheel would make joe fucking pesci seem like jessica "darn it" simpson.

some of my mated think ive an aggressive streak,which i don't.my therapist thinks i need a healthy outlet for my rage,not my words,and by golly i have!!you can tell alot from a person by the kind of curses they say,and it's been drawn to my attention that i mainly use curses from the lexis of the male genitalia.hence,it wouldn't be uncommon if you were in my passenger seat to hear me launch into "you fucking cock!" "you absolute wankstain!!!!!!!!" "knobjockey!!" etc.maybe im sexually repressed.i don't know,but that's neither here nor there.sometimes i chuckle away with what decides to come out,it passes the time i guess.
i know what you're thinkin,typical woman projectin her anger ontsome random guy's knackers,suppressed phallic jealousy or some psycho-babble shit.well i'm not one to discriminate,and i wholly belive in equality.obviously i throw in a few "titwanks" and "cunts!!!!!!!" as well......

Saturday, November 19, 2005

don cha'? no i fucking don't

for the love of god,what the hell is goin on??surely one of the biggest boils on music and hinderances to equality are those knobs,the pussycat dolls.what a bunch of ignorant irresponsible twats.i like a good tune along with the reat of them,but to see women of all ages run to the dance floor to writhe over each other with their fake-lesbo dancing is disturbing.
is this what it's all come to??lets have our arses hanging out while drunk tools bump into us and grab various parts of our anatomy accidentally-on-purpose.tottering and screamin "dontcha think your girlfriend was hot like me?!" (cue more fake lesbo dancing) while the lads think,yeh my girlfriend is cack,life would be more craaaaaaaazzzzzy with that fun half dressed one.yeh,i want that one.
and girls,for fuck sake you are worse to actually endorse that archaic shit.why oh why do women allow themselves to be pitted against each other?that is actually glorifying using your sex appeal (and nothing else) to "entice" dumb two-timing knobs away from their pitiless other halves.why would anyone even want to be with someone who's tied??it puts me in the rage.its like saying,if you're hot,well look out!!! prepare your average looking girlf for reems of insecurity.
i really wish they'd all just fuck off.can you steal yourself away for a bit of sex in the hummer/beamer/limo????get fucked you over-hyped wagons.
and as well as that,can i just add that i used to love dancing away to the 'oul rnb/hip hop etc,thought it was great,loved getting all hot and sweat on the floor.then i just thought,hang on,these guys are a bunch of fucking twats,and even if the beat is good,so what??the whole pimping,ho,rapping away while some arse literally gyrates in your face??how is that relevant.why do women constantly give themselves the short straw???its so pathetic.
why can't these people attempt to be more socially aware???make a bit of fucking effort.the likes of beyonce??what a hypocrite.has she ever sang anything that wasn't to do with keeping your man/man driving her craaaaaaaaazy/not paying his billsbillsbills/he's done the poxy dirt again,sake.
to sum up,pussy twat dolls.piss off.

bad start

chrrrrrrriissssssst.i just wrote a massive long entry that has been lost in space.although this has fanned my rage it has also quelled my motivation,so to make up for it i shall hereby summarise in point...
*i live in a picturesque town,lovely lovely.
*but scenery is oftentimes marred by the approachings of.....ignorant folk!!!
*these are weird creatures who see you from miles away,pass you by and wouls rather drop dead than say hi.
*this epidemic of ignorance is not new,but has been widespread for years and years.
*just watch their joyless tight faces drain when a normally adjusted person says hey!they freak fucking out.
*said folk is likely to think you are mental.
*even more bizzre/hilarious is passing by people who you kinda knew in school.when ambling tis nigh impossible to pretend you havent seen them,so often a"conversation" painfully follows.
*suggestions to overcome this rancid barricade include : stopping mid-track and doing a monkey dance in their faces.be OTT elated to see them, or scream after them"you've left your dog-poo!!!!!!!!!!!".after that they'll be shunned by yummy mummies and bored proffessionals alike.ha!

in short,politeness of the normal degree is in fact non-existent here.why?because this is a poxy commuter town,no one's up for the craic,and people here seem to think they're better than who they actually are,losers.....just a thought.