Tuesday, December 20, 2005

mine's a large,thanks.

when you go on a "date" you obviously try to go in with an open mind and give it a chance.however,there is always a seminal moment when the person does or says something and you just think,fuck,he's a twat.another one bites the dust.

i had one such moment yesterday evening.i met up with this italian dude,no,he wasn't slimey,he had great english,was sweet decent, and not bad to look at actually.so, i thought,ok,no need to go the toilet and ring my mates,it's all going okey dokey.

after half an hour he drained his glass,looked at my empty and said he was going to the bar.grand, i thought.he sits down with his glass of wine three minutes later and does a bit of "...so anyway,as i was saying...." but i'm not listening,i'm staring confusedly at the table,i'm looking at the bar to see if the barman is making an extra special irish coffee.....he ain't.bollox.the stupid scabby cunt.

and just like that it's over.not only is that plain rude,it's also plain goddam stupid,because of all the girls to do that to,you do not do that to an irish girl!!!! so there i am,fuming with rage,incredulous at this guy's lack of social graces.but i decide to give him a chance,i decide to put it to him and see how he reacts.if he acts all morto and flustered i'll put it down to nerves,and that he forgot.if he looks at me as if i've two twats,i'll know he's a scabby prick.

go to the bar.come back.as i sit down i say,half joking "jeez,thanks for getting me a drink,by the way!!" the boy looked at me, slightly cocked his head to the left and narrowed his eyes.......fucking stupid wank.

Monday, December 12, 2005

christmas work do???how bout christmas work don't!!!

sigh.why oh why did i go.the christmas work do.possibly the most difficult thing to get out of,apart from funerals.have you ever noticed that you can never decline an invite to a party?jesus,especially in ireland,everyone would think you were fucking insane,or worse,dry.i've been in this job a few months,and people,mostly are decent.however i didn't relish the thought of drinking alot with my colleagues,and top of that with the added temptation of staying in a hotel (ie more drinking and more god knows what else).in other words i was afraid of making a supreme tit of meself.
oh twas a great night of revelry,however i was seated next to boss,boo!!!i was very dignified,in fact at one point i worried,oh no,i'm too full to drink!!!i needn't have worried.in short,i ended up dipping my pen in the company ink.i know thats not the right phrase as i don't have a penis,but i know not the equivalent.no one knows,and thank god i didn't see him today.which is a miracle as the place aint that big.oh who cares....me.
the party itself was a mixture of all different places,eighty companies,jesus it was like blackpool uncovered,very tacky.i'd never seen anything like it and hopefully won't again!!!


p.s what's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?........snowballs!!!!!! hee hee.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

most depressing survey...ever.

i read a survey on sunday which although made me recoil in horror and revulsion did not suprise me.a group of 15-19 year olds (british girls) were asked which female figures they most aspire to.if you're not irish or british you are unlikely to be as mortified as me,as you wouldn't know the following twats.the results were as follows.....
47% said abi titmuss,33% said jordan,7% anita roddick,9% jk rowling,4% germaine greer.

how absolutely and thoroughly depressing.christ,i know we're living in a celebrity saturated society,where getting your tits out gets more news coverage than discovering the cure to cancer,but fuck,that's taking the soggy biscuit.for those of you from across the way,abi and jordan are women who have built careers around their boobs.both are vile,very self-important and both can't fucking believe their luck.for young british girls of today,if you're not getting your twat out...you're not worth knowing about.

i console myself only in hoping that this sensationalist survey was conducted to a small group of girls not of diverse backrounds.in other words,idiots.

i won't even tell you what the top career choice was.let's just say,you wouldn't get a pension with it.

Monday, December 05, 2005

the penguin.

guilt.it's probably one of the most rancid things you can feel.as an adult you can take steps to rectify how you feel,confess,confide,apologise or just deal with it.most of us are equipped with rationality so we can step back and avoid it submerging your every thought.all that is stripped away when you're a kid.those thought processes haven't developed yet.feeling guilty as a child is the worst feeling.seriosly.

i can recall an incident when i was ten,which to this day baffles me.i was in school and it was approaching christmas (and no,this has nothing to do with santa!!!) and there was games,cakes and a raffle.we were in high spirits,everone was handing over their coppers for the prize,oh how life was jovial and carefree.but it was not to last.temptation crept my way in the guise of my cousin,who was running the raffle with her posse.she came over with a wink and whispered,"number twelve for the penguin".i could hardly belive my ears.was she suggesting???i stood there genuinely horrified.yes,i wanted the penguin,but not that way,never!but as the moments went on and her every wink and nod bore into my skull,i found it impossible to say no.and this is why,my belief that it was wrong to cheat,was simply ludicrous compared to her belief it was only wrong if you got caught.and no one was ever going to know.

i knew my argument was wasted on her logic,and having caved to the pressure,i handed over my coppers and stared sorrowfully at my winning ticket.i felt like the most horrible person.

needless to say,when the raffle crew came knocking at my class door to hand over that stuffed fucker,there was no whelps or yelps of joy.a forced smile and a look of disillusionment was all that greeted percy,who was now a symbol of my corruption.

i don't know why i felt so bad,i only know that to a child everything is black and white (ho ho) .and i felt so bad that i never told anyone,because i thought they'd be disgusted.i was so angry with my cousin for putting the choice in my hands,but she was always one for putting the pressure on,the bitch.

i couldn't even keep it.i gave it my sister who was a toddler at the time.after that he was always creeping around the place,accusing me with his beady eye.curse you percyyyyyyyyyyy!!and where goes he now? i don't know.but i'd say he's probably lurking and waiting for some poor unsuspecting child to go down his morally loose path.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

does stupid = happy??

have you ever noticed that the more "intelligent" someone is the less happy they are??think about it,in school or in work the chap who's happy as larry (lucky fucker) is as thick as a loaf and oblivious to the goings on of the world.nothing is to be gained by bettering your brain,the more you know,the shitter everything seems.it's like pandora's fucking closet.

you'll never see a thick person stressed out,everything's rosy,and why not.let us take a stroll through our great literary/artistic figures.plath,woolf,van gogh,poe,hemingway,kubrick to name but a few.all talented as fuck,all miserable as fuck.these people were never happy,there's a part of their brain which wouldn't let them.that self-critical,self-deprecating part that we all have but most of us tend to manage.

and also,when you're thick things just go right for you,theres no struggle,it just all flows together.we all have friends who never do the work,who don't give a shit...yet they land on their feet evvvvvvvvvvery time.do i sound bitter??tsk no,i merely observe and wonder.this is the prime example,look at winnie the pooh for godsake.lives the ultra simple stressfree life,doesnt wreck his own head,goes with the flow,hands down the happiest bear you'll ever goddam meet.

in short,i conclude the best thing you can do for your sprogs is take away their books and puters
and just let them meander their way through life, and for godsakes keep them away from pandora and her poxy wardrobe!!!